IN MEMORANDUM


“Life, it seems, will fade away Drifting further every day Getting lost within myself Nothing matters, no one else” mental-surgery-to-overcome-emotional-pain-and-sadness-dr-diva-verdun-11 Who know why people lose their way. Why some demons are so much stronger in some than others. Why darkness takes the light out of the eyes of those who have lost the will to fight. To see what was once so beautiful wither away and die. It takes a bit of your life as well. 26 years ago today I was in a chapel in Las Vegas getting married to Lauri Jean Martin. I could have never guest that I would be attending her funeral just three short years later. Most of us have been in difficult relationships. We may have gone into them with all the right intentions, just with wrong expectations. Sometimes the timing is off, or we have grown lonely and become disillusioned by charm and good looks. Some implode within their boundaries or they simply fizzles out and fade away. Others explode in a fiery rage and burn it all to the ground, destroying everything within its path. Those involved are lucky if they make it out with all the flesh still attached to their bones. Sadness-wallpapers-8 When a relationship ends, it’s never easy. Even ones that end without drama still hold some amount of animosity or sadness. The end is never easy to relive in your thoughts. Some people become haunted by those thoughts forever. Always wondering what if they tried a little harder or gave a little more. But it’s the beginnings that we relish and remember. It’s that freshness and excitement and the wonder of life anew. It’s the Big Bangs in tiny moments. Time I find has a way of making things up to those who try. To those who rise up every day and continue on through the day. It corrects a wrong or finds what was once misplaced. I went on to remarry of course. At this point in time I will be married for 18 years, raising 4 children with a career and a house and a dog. So I believe things end to make way for what was meant to be all along. But it doesn’t mean that every year on this day, I can’t take a moment to reflect back on such a different world I once lived in.2013_12_99 I can take a moment to drift back to that very windy day on that Las Vegas strip. Standing on the front steps of a the Little White Chapel. Dressed in leather, holding the hand of a woman dressed in a very short white leather dress. And as the dust and tumbleweeds blew around the street behind us, the doors opened and we walked down the aisle. The music of Metallica’s “Fade to Black” started playing over the crackling house speakers. We said our vows in front of a small crowd of strangers along with her sister and my brother. And at the end when the minister asked us if there was anything we wanted to say as husband and wife, she turned around, held her arms in the air, made duel devil horns with her fingers and shouted… “FUCKING METALLICA!” metallica One of my favorite memories, in a life long past, 26 years ago today. “Emptiness is filling me To the point of agony Growing darkness taking dawn I was me, but now he’s gone” sunrise__sunset_hold_your_sadness_like_a_puppet_by_isispina-d547ekm Rest my friend. I’ll always remember the beginning.image (2)

Posted in Life experience | Leave a comment

ASPIRATION OF TRANSCENDENCE


Aspiration…

yearning_400px

It’s a strange word.

An ending to that which we aspire to.

A deep longing for that which we feel… will somehow give our life meaning.

Not a long term plan or a set of specific goals. No lines drawn out between two points. Just a desire for the end result.

I don’t really have any aspirations. I strive not for greatness, or power, or notoriety. I put no value in fame or fortune or expensive clinical wisdom. I do however desire a certain end result to this journey we have all found ourselves on. But you see, I look forward to the journey just as much as the destination. Which makes it more of a mental gauntlet race than an aspiration.

Every step I take along the road leaves behind a footprint.
Every step I take in this life is a step I take forward, or even better… A step I have not yet taken.

download

I deem an aspiration of transcendence might be my only aspiration.

After all that’s the ultimate goal now isn’t it?

When I look back on my life, I admit I once had aspirations. Just as any young child might have had.

I remember how much I desired to be a writer. I aspired to be the next Rod Sterling. For many reasons but mostly because… well he was fucking Rod Sterling!

Plus I had a very deep passion for writing. I should have left my aspirations behind and actually set forth goals and a plan. But what did I know. I was just a kid.

As life usually does… it had plans for me all of its own.

Before I knew what was happening, the wheels were set in motion. All I could do was find something solid to hold on to… and try my best not to fall off.

th (9)

I suppose there are three types of people in this world. Those who grew up in such a structured environment that never got on the ride to begin with. (They always figured they could get on later in life, but few ever do. They may end up owning parts of the ride but never really get the chance actually enjoy it).

There were those who held on for dear life (like me) and just prayed to God that when it all came crashing down there would be a soft place for them to fall.

And then there were those who just let go. Who never really got a chance to experience the beauty of it all. Whose journey was not an “E” ticket admission onto Mr.Toad’s wild ride, but instead an “A” ticket… Good only to observe from the the wobbly bench just outside the gate. (and in most cases were never heard from again).

I was wild eyed and crazy and curious as to where the tracks would lead me. So I lived in the very moment of every minute in time. When life dipped I held my hands up high and screamed as loud as I possibly could.

th (10)

When it slowed down to a snails crawl and climbed high into the clouds, I relished in the anticipation. Whether up or down or caught in a cork screw… I have not wasted a single second.

I am in the home stretch now though. I turn 50 this year. 50! I would be lying if I said that the weight of mortality was still light enough to fit in the front pocket of my shirt. (If I wore shirts with pockets).

I am a little more grounded and a lot more rounded… maybe a little less hair and a lot less reckless. Sometimes I think that while I was sleeping someone put me on one of those kiddie coaster rides. Because I don’t remember it going this slow before. But I guess that’s a good thing. These are the years that are most important after all.

These years are the shared years. These are the years I get to see my children grow. I get to see them emerge from childhood into adulthood. I get to bare witness to that which follows us… and become the next us.

I only have one job left to do at this point, and that’s to teach them how to keep from falling off. To show them how to lift their hands into the air and scream at the top of their lungs.

Space Mountain Pictures-714547

Aspirations… they are a nice thought. Goals might be better. Plans are a nifty idea. You don’t always have to follow the rules and don’t be afraid to make a detour along the way. And don’t get so caught up in your aspirations that you forget to live in the moment.

This life is a gift for us to enjoy after all. It’s a journey that builds the blocks to appreciation. Transcendence would be meaningless without it.

What the hell is transcendence you ask? Well it’s your own personal belief. It’s faith in that belief. It’s the way you see this whole thing playing out in the end.

Whether its paradise on Earth or eternal life in Heaven. Whether it’s a hundred festive virgins, the keys to the universe or a return to Eden. (Just don’t eat the damn apple this time okay)… Even if it’s nothing at all but darkness. You still need death to get you there.

Whatever it is you believe in, and whether or not anyone else believes in the same things or not. One thing we can be sure of, there will be an end. Transcendence is what occurs in that final moment.

So have aspirations of a good transcendence, and in the mean time… enjoy the ride will ya. It’s a good one.

Lethal_Weapon_The_Ride

(just keep your hand and arms inside the car at all times. You might not need them where you are going, but why take any chances).

Posted in Enlightenment, Life experience, Religion | Leave a comment

METAPHORICALLY SPEAKING


hand-and-rose

The roots are attached to the stem, and the stem to the rose.

The rose has a smell that’s so alluring.
It’s petals are like velvet to the touch.
It’s beauty is unmatched upon the gaze.

The Roots are deep and strong.
They the meaning and the purpose.

The stem is easily broken.
It’s full of thorns that bite like teeth.

I hold tight onto the stem,
As the thorns dig deep into my flesh.
If I release my grasp of the stem,
Though the roots will always grow,
I will lose the rose forever.

The roots are the ground that’s under me.
The stem is the pain that prisons me.
and the rose is the source that beckons me.

Without the stem there is no rose.

Is the scent of the flower,
worth the scars on the hand.
Or does it simply numb the heart to the pain.

Maybe I should just let go of the stem,
let the roots regrow.
And set the flower free.

Direct my gaze to a Tiger Lily.
And stop smelling the roses.

tiger-lily-coloring-pages

Posted in Enlightenment | Leave a comment

50 SHADES OF RED


caesar_bst_drk

The practices of Sadism, Masochism is nothing new. It has been around since the days of Caligula Caesar and the hey day of the Roman Empire. But for many years after its fall the practice was seen as immoral and dark. It became associated with satanic worship and black magic. It vanished from society all together for many many years following.

Then it surfaced once again in the early Seventies. It was practiced in underground clubs in the less than desirable parts of town. In basements along the red light districts, In the V.I.P. suite at the Limelight. And occasionally in the bathroom at CBGB’s. (Yuck)

bitch_cover

It wasn’t until the Eighties that it hit main stream. Private member only clubs opened up in even the most prominent areas. People turned their garages and cellars into red rooms. They threw parties that lasted from weekend to weekend. The metal music movement embraced and praised it. Bands like Judas Priest sang songs about it with titles like “Eat me alive” and “Love bits”. The band Bitch dedicated an entire album to it called “Live for the whip”. From Missing Persons, Berlin and Oingo Boingo to the likes of Motorhead, W.A.S.P. and Great White. The practice became a staple in the lifestyle and in pop culture. I mean who didn’t carry a pair of handcuffs on them at all times just in case opportunity presented itself.

new_men_women_big_silver_metal_police_hand_cuff_fashion_belt_buckle_rhinestones_b0b36def

Anne Rice wrote her masterpiece trilogy “Sleeping Beauty” around the same time. Which by the way was extremely well written and makes “Fifty shades of Grey” look like an article from Penthouse forum.

sleeping_beauty_by_widmanska-d373pam_zps32b3b621

And of course there was “9 1/2 Weeks”. The director had to cut 30 minutes from the original film in order to get it released. And then it was held to just midnight showings. But to anyone who sat in on one of those showing in 1986, the strawberry scene will forever be embedded in your thoughts.

9_1_2_weeks_Nine_1_2_Weeks-517758872-large

Although Clive Barker took it to a whole different level with his “Hell bound Heart” series.

hellraiser

Yet still as main stream as it was, it was still viewed as a dark practice. Taboo if you will. Evil. So once again it hid in the shadows of society. With the rise of “shoot me now” music, flannel shirts and anti government anthems. The decade of excess had come to an end. “Ain’t looking for nothing but a good time” was replaced by “I’m so ugly, that’s okay, ’cause so are you”.

Then it began to show its weary head one again in this past decade. Movies like Twilight, even though the trilogy was not about S&M, it was about fear and control within a sexual relationship. That paved the way for Rihanna to speak openly about her love of the practice and inspired her to sing about it as well. Although I think at some point she forgot the safe word.

RIHANNA-2

Which of course brings us to “Fifty Shades of Grey”. A poorly written series of novels targeted at 40 something housewives who feel as if they are stuck in a rut need of something completely different. Not to say those are the only one who enjoyed tesding the books. And it has sold millions. It became the most talked about book since “Satanic Verses”. It took the practice and added a romantic twist to it. But let’s be honest, this is not something you experience with the one you love. It’s about power and shifting control. The author says she was inspired by the Twilight series to write these novels. (Which may be some insight to her intellect). It’s about letting go of your freedom of choice through restraint. Sure it’s fun, but it’s similar to auto erotic fixation. It’s not about love. It’s not about the other person. Only in fantasy novels it is.

7ac07001c4a95962c6681132dd7dbec3

Now the movie opens this weekend and I am sure it will be huge. Again it was sliced and diced in order to get that “R” rating. But this won’t be shown strictly at midnight. No no, there will be morning matinees and Sunday viewings. Although those who have read the book may feel a little cheated when it comes to the movie. The imagination always runs more wild than a directors eye.

Yet this should be viewed for what it is. Fantasy. Just as Edward and his vampire buddies do not exists in real life, neither do body building werewolves, or brooding depressed 27-year-old millionaires with red rooms. Kate Upton doesn’t really play World of Warcraft either. (Although I bet she does have a red room).

You have to wonder if the 45-year-old guy at Home Depot brought you back to his house after a date and opened a door to a play room just how long it would take you to beat feet and high tale it out of there. Not long I am sure. Billions of dollars changes everything however. So when women who read the book and wonder where is their Christian Grey. Just remember, you have to be Anastasia to find him. I think in this day and age the roles are reversed anyway. Women are more like the Christian Grey’s of the world. Risk takers and adventure seekers. Guys for the most part are content just being in the room.

dakota-johnson-50shades-1280ajpg-0a5751_1280w

Either way, it’s all fun and games until someone cracks the whip too hard and you forget your safe word.
RED DAMN IT! RED !!!!

Posted in Life experience | Leave a comment

APPRECIATE


th (3)

We all walk through this life under the same premise of the human condition. We travel down different paths, yet they all lead to the same place. Death will eventually find us all. We know our lives are on borrowed time and still we waste away the moments that are set aside for us to enjoy. We sin and we repent. We attend church and we pray for redemption in the hopes that all will be forgiven. And in being forgiven we have faith in mercy. We believe that we will be granted a deathless death and a quick and painless end to life.

Some believe that all past souls will be resurrected for one last chance to prove they are worthy of an afterlife in paradise. A modern day “Hunger Games” if you will. If this is true than what does it matter how we spend our days. If we get a second chance to do it right next time, we don’t have to play by the rule this time. It’s an open ticket to rape and pillage and burn a thousand Jews. To bomb villages and wage wars against all mankind. After all, Jesus died so we will be forgiven right? It kind of makes the Ten Commandments seem more like suggestions than commands.

I wonder, if I live a good life now will I be rewarded later by a free pass into the ultimate gated community? Or will I have to pick my weapon of choice and battle it out like everyone else? And I’ll tell you, If I get to the pearly gates and find a thousand Muslim Martyrs up there there each surrounded by a thousand virgins, I am going to be pretty pissed. Unless they are virgins for a reason (Uggos). And if a Martyr gets a thousand virgins for blowing himself up and taking innocent lives with him, then what in Heavens name did the virgins do to get cursed into sharing the same man with a thousand other women for all eternity? I sure hope they have good showers in Heaven. Can you even have sex in Heaven? Wouldn’t that be a kick. You blow yourself up, get a thousand virgins and you have no tool! Now that would be some funny stuff right there.

crown-of-life

Religion lets you act any way you wish without feeling guilty. Confessionals, Hail Mary’s, Sacrifices. Blood lettings, Praying for forgiveness and Burnt offerings. The demons must be laughing as they’re watching from Hell.
They are waiting to see if such Dogma works because they will be kneeling in St.Catherine’s church tomorrow.

Isn’t the ultimate form of worship simply being happy? Enjoying what has been put in front of you and being thankful for each and every day. For every day we live is another chance to prove how truly grateful we are.
Living with anger in our heart is not living, it’s awaiting death. Hate, Jealousy, Envy, Judgment. Unsympathetic boastful pride. These are the things that keep us from understanding the reason we are here to begin with. Which is to learn to appreciate.

We are all lying in the same critical care unit suffering from the same incurable disease. We will all die from this condition. No one has ever survived. Why are we not reaching out to one another and comforting our fellow man? Why do we not sooth each other’s pain? Instead we are spitting on each other and kicking the bed frame of our neighbor. We are telling them that our God loves us so he is saving us but not them because their God is not the Almighty God. It’s the football team thanking God for winning the big game because he loves his team for than the other. It’s thanking God for winning an award because God obviously liked their movie best out of all the movies he watched this year. We pick on, make fun of and ridicule other patience so we can feel superior and therefore somehow deserve to be saved.

2icb8eg

Personally I hope with all of my heart that this is not a team sport here. I hope I am judged on my own merit and not on the merit of the guy that just cut me off from the right lane of the highway.
People are mean out there folks. Love and be loved, judge not and not be judged. Live with the conviction that you know your own heart and you are confident that you have not wasted a single moment.

The flowers smell good for a reason. The sun is not warm by accident. The breeze is cool, the berries are sweet and the caress of another person is transcending. A smile is comforting, a kiss is intoxicating and the landscape of the land around us is absolutely breath taking.

th (4)

There are trails to be hiked, rocks to be climbed, and rivers to be explored. There are fruits to be savored, cats to be cuddled and dogs to bark at every squirrel that runs by your front door. There are songs to be heard, paintings to be seen, fine ale to be sipped and the laughter from children to be enjoyed.

There are lips to be tasted, hearts to be felt and glances to be capture. There are families to raise, blogs to write and gardens to seed.

Happiness is all around us.

If we can’t enjoy life among all that has been created for us, how can we be prepared to enjoy that which awaits us?

We didn’t appreciate the gift when it was first given to us. We need to learn how to appreciate it when it is returned to us. That is why we are here.

Nature_Other_Beautiful_scenery_033681_

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

APPRECIATION


th (3)

We all walk through this life under the same premise of the human condition. We travel down different paths, yet they all lead to the same place. Death will eventually find us all. We know our lives are on borrowed time and still we waste away the moments that are set aside for us to enjoy. We sin and we repent. We attend church and we pray for redemption in the hopes that all will be forgiven. And in being forgiven we have faith in mercy. We believe that we will be granted a deathless death and a quick and painless end to life.

Some believe that all past souls will be resurrected for one last chance to prove they are worthy of an afterlife in paradise. A modern day “Hunger Games” if you will. If this is true than what does it matter how we spend our days. If we get a second chance to do it right next time, we don’t have to play by the rule this time. It’s an open ticket to rape and pillage and burn a thousand Jews. To bomb villages and wage wars against all mankind. After all, Jesus died so we will be forgiven right? It kind of makes the Ten Commandments seem more like suggestions than commands.

I wonder, if I live a good life now will I be rewarded later by a free pass into the ultimate gated community? Or will I have to pick my weapon of choice and battle it out like everyone else? And I’ll tell you, If I get to the pearly gates and find a thousand Muslim Martyrs up there there each surrounded by a thousand virgins, I am going to be pretty pissed. Unless they are virgins for a reason (Uggos). And if a Martyr gets a thousand virgins for blowing himself up and taking innocent lives with him, then what in Heavens name did the virgins do to get cursed into sharing the same man with a thousand other women for all eternity? I sure hope they have good showers in Heaven. Can you even have sex in Heaven? Wouldn’t that be a kick. You blow yourself up, get a thousand virgins and you have no tool! Now that would be some funny stuff right there.

crown-of-life

Religion lets you act any way you wish without feeling guilty. Confessionals, Hail Mary’s, Sacrifices. Blood lettings, Praying for forgiveness and Burnt offerings. The demons must be laughing as they’re watching from Hell.
They are waiting to see if such Dogma works because they will be kneeling in St.Catherine’s church tomorrow.

Isn’t the ultimate form of worship simply being happy? Enjoying what has been put in front of you and being thankful for each and every day. For every day we live is another chance to prove how truly grateful we are.
Living with anger in our heart is not living, it’s awaiting death. Hate, Jealousy, Envy, Judgment. Unsympathetic boastful pride. These are the things that keep us from understanding the reason we are here to begin with. Which is to learn to appreciate.

We are all lying in the same critical care unit suffering from the same incurable disease. We will all die from this condition. No one has ever survived. Why are we not reaching out to one another and comforting our fellow man? Why do we not sooth each other’s pain? Instead we are spitting on each other and kicking the bed frame of our neighbor. We are telling them that our God loves us so he is saving us but not them because their God is not the Almighty God. It’s the football team thanking God for winning the big game because he loves his team for than the other. It’s thanking God for winning an award because God obviously liked their movie best out of all the movies he watched this year. We pick on, make fun of and ridicule other patience so we can feel superior and therefore somehow deserve to be saved.

2icb8eg

Personally I hope with all of my heart that this is not a team sport here. I hope I am judged on my own merit and not on the merit of the guy that just cut me off from the right lane of the highway.
People are mean out there folks. Love and be loved, judge not and not be judged. Live with the conviction that you know your own heart and you are confident that you have not wasted a single moment.

The flowers smell good for a reason. The sun is not warm by accident. The breeze is cool, the berries are sweet and the caress of another person is transcending. A smile is comforting, a kiss is intoxicating and the landscape of the land around us is absolutely breath taking.

th (4)

There are trails to be hiked, rocks to be climbed, and rivers to be explored. There are fruits to be savored, cats to be cuddled and dogs to bark at every squirrel that runs by your front door. There are songs to be heard, paintings to be seen, fine ale to be sipped and the laughter from children to be enjoyed.

There are lips to be tasted, hearts to be felt and glances to be capture. There are families to raise, blogs to write and gardens to seed.

Happiness is all around us.

If we can’t enjoy life among all that has been created for us, how can we be prepared to enjoy that which awaits us?

We didn’t appreciate the gift when it was first given to us. We need to learn how to appreciate it when it is returned to us. That is why we are here.

Nature_Other_Beautiful_scenery_033681_

Posted in Enlightenment, Religion | Leave a comment

SANDPAPER


Judges-hammer

To each his own, walk a mile, glass houses. We’ve all heard the expressions before, but not very many people actually know what they mean. How often do people judge other people for whom they do not really know? It happens all the time right.

We’ve all met people who rub us the wrong way. Mainly because our own stubbornness has trouble excepting that which is not like us. It’s like two pieces of sand paper rubbing together. The friction is unbearable. It accomplishes nothing except wearing each other down until there is nothing left.

sandpaper-05

When you are young and still in your development stages this is a normal accordance. But as you get older such behavior can only hinder one’s growth or happiness. You will wear away to nothing. Many of my youthful friendships have turned into life long bonds yet started nothing more than grinding sand. You have to be able to see beyond the that which is not familiar.

One should walk the metaphorical mile just to gain perspective. My opinion of someone has no bearing on who that person is, and it shouldn’t. Opinions are nothing more than ego driven self-absorption.

The ego wages wars. It lies to you. It tells you yours in the only true God. It’s my way or the highway. The ego is jealous, bitter, angry and full of darkness. It’s a prison filled with low self-esteem, personal denial, manic depression and resentment. It’s the greatest lie ever told. Okay second greatest lie ever told.

Misery loves company, let’s not forget that.

The first thing we should notice about someone SHOULD be the differences. Those differences are what makes us human. They are what is most beautiful about that person. Similarity may be comforting, yet leaves little room for anything else. If we are going to learn anything truly meaningful from each other than we need to embrace those differences.

If I believe that the rock in my hand is the one true God, what should it matter to me if you believe the stick in yours is? If my faith is true than not even your stick can make me question my belief. Only my doubt can do that. Should I think your stick is ridiculous and make fun of your belief because of it? Should you envy the strength in my rock and be jealous of it? Sounds pretty stupid right? It happens every single day. And on major scales.

or on a much lesser scale….

goose_neck

Jenny hates the new girl in class because she has captivated the attention of all the boys. This makes Jenny feel inferior and jealous. She calls her a slut. The new girl is jealous of Jenny because her parents are rich and they lives in a big house, she calls her a snob. Neither girl ever engaged in any intelligent conversations. Yet they rub together like sandpaper. They formed opinions based on differences and their own personal ego driven lack of self-worth.

James-Dean-16-B67JZ9UFBM-1024x768

Dave and Marc have known one another for many years. Dave is married with 2.3 children. He has a nice house and a good career. Marc is single, no children. He sleeps with many different women, even a few men. He drinks too much, smokes weed and floats from job to job. Dave has always resented Marc for his carefree lifestyle and always fears his wife will fall for Marc’s rugged good looks and worldly charm. So he stopped invited him to family BBQ’s and talks badly about him behind his back. What difference does Marc’s life have on Dave’s? NONE WHAT SO EVER. Dave’s self worth is not measured by anyone else but Dave. Yet the ego won’t really let that happen now will it. Dave because suspicious, he becomes bitter and paranoid. He can’t sleep, he eats junk food. He makes false accusation. He let’s Marc’s life define his own.

Stilettos660

I am just saying that someone who truly likes their self, and truly has faith in their beliefs and their conviction, than what the guy across the street does will not even be a thought. People should complement each other. Not define each other. If you do not like me guess what, I am still me. But you are no longer you for you are comparing your similarities to my differences and it’s changing your perspective. Only those without sin can cast the first stone. Or should not live in glass houses, or should walk a mile in high heel shoes… or something like that. Anyway..

If you took the time to appreciate the differences, than you would be a much better person for it. If you never looked down or looked up at anyone, EVER, then you would find inner peace and my God be so much happier. Live in darkness or live in light. It’s really your choice.

Live life between the sandpaper, and always go against the grain. And never progress into anything but dust. Or let go of the damn ego and find your way out of the dark.

Judge not until you judge thy self. Judge or less be judged. However the saying goes. It’s not just words people. Lighten up, and you’ll see a whole lot better for it.

Dust

Posted in Enlightenment, Life experience | Leave a comment