Sometimes life gets away with you. You get to a point in your existence where everything is going good. Work is flowing easy, the cars are running good. The house is all up to par and the bills are up to date. The kids are healthy and school for them is good. Then from out of nowhere, for some unknown reason the forces of the world shift and you find yourself chasing the wind. Your life is blown all over the floor and all you can do is scramble to pick up the pieces.
You hope that once you have gathered up all that remains, that you can somehow find away to fit it all back together again. But the pieces never really connect smoothly anymore. Like trying to force two puzzle pieces together that don’t really belong. You end up with an abstract version of the life you once had.
You find yourself lying in bed in the morning just a little longer than before. You awaken in the middle of the night from a dream that seemed so much better than your reality. You close your eyes and try to get back to it, but it’s gone.
You find that maybe the way you saw life wasn’t really seeing it at all. No one around you seems to care about the same things anymore. Once unity and family meant everything, now independence and freedom are the only desires. You feel left out and abandoned. Alone. Unneeded and unwanted.
You find the wine glass gets a little more full. Intoxication numbs the pain of your reality. Almost like losing a loved one, you mourn the loss of your past. You know that the only way to live again is to crumble up the abstract puzzle and start all over again. Redefine the edges and reconstruct the vision.
You find yourself tired and lacking motivation. You look forward to the weekends so you don’t have deal with the week. Life is lived in minutes instead of days. Love seems to be only for the children, those not yet tainted by time. Hollow is a feeling that never seems to fade. A hunger that is never fed. Your on the brink of tearful sorrow and any given time.
You look around you and see the same emptiness in everyone else’s eyes. Is there any happy people left in this world, you wonder. Grayness and fog replace sunshine and clarity. Growing old sucks. Yet you take comfort in knowing that your closer to the end of it all.
You hide behind the smiles and the laughter. You seem happiest when no one’s around. The quiet and the peace embrace you like a blanket in a cold Winter’s night.
Perception is the key. None of this really matters anyway. You see life the way you want to see it. Depression changes your reality. It’s not an easy task to alter your perception in order to regain control. If it was there would be a lot more happy people in this world. Less war, less greed, less hate. What people see as important now will become meaningless in the end. The only thing that will matter is if you see the way out in time, before the end closes in on you. When the light becomes visible, you can’t be blinded or distracted by the damn puzzle pieces that never quite fit together.
So sitting here on the eve of another birthday. Wondering where I took a left instead of a right. And trying to decide on whether to fix this puzzle on the floor or scrap it and start all over again, or just find beauty in the abstract. I have to wonder if it’s too late. Maybe time has left me behind. Maybe the light is almost upon me. And all I have to do is open my eyes and see.
It would be nice to connect to something, other than these words. It would be nice to feel something other than hollow. To love and frolic instead of stress and worry.
Time to blow out my candles, all 48 of them.