Puzzle Pieces


Sometimes life gets away with you. You get to a point in your existence where everything is going good. Work is flowing easy, the cars are running good. The house is all up to par and the bills are up to date. The kids are healthy and school for them is good. Then from out of nowhere, for some unknown reason the forces of the world shift and you find yourself chasing the wind. Your life is blown all over the floor and all you can do is scramble to pick up the pieces.

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You hope that once you have gathered up all that remains, that you can somehow find away to fit it all back together again. But the pieces never really connect smoothly anymore. Like trying to force two puzzle pieces together that don’t really belong. You end up with an abstract version of the life you once had.

You find yourself lying in bed in the morning just a little longer than before. You awaken in the middle of the night from a dream that seemed so much better than your reality. You close your eyes and try to get back to it, but it’s gone.

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You find that maybe the way you saw life wasn’t really seeing it at all. No one around you seems to care about the same things anymore. Once unity and family meant everything, now independence and freedom are the only desires. You feel left out and abandoned. Alone. Unneeded and unwanted.

You find the wine glass gets a little more full. Intoxication numbs the pain of your reality. Almost like losing a loved one, you mourn the loss of your past. You know that the only way to live again is to crumble up the abstract puzzle and start all over again. Redefine the edges and reconstruct the vision.

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You find yourself tired and lacking motivation. You look forward to the weekends so you don’t have deal with the week. Life is lived in minutes instead of days. Love seems to be only for the children, those not yet tainted by time. Hollow is a feeling that never seems to fade. A hunger that is never fed. Your on the brink of tearful sorrow and any given time.

You look around you and see the same emptiness in everyone else’s eyes. Is there any happy people left in this world, you wonder. Grayness and fog replace sunshine and clarity. Growing old sucks. Yet you take comfort in knowing that your closer to the end of it all.

You hide behind the smiles and the laughter. You seem happiest when no one’s around. The quiet and the peace embrace you like a blanket in a cold Winter’s night.

farbwahrnehmung_1519Perception is the key. None of this really matters anyway. You see life the way you want to see it. Depression changes your reality. It’s not an easy task to alter your perception in order to regain control. If it was there would be a lot more happy people in this world. Less war, less greed, less hate. What people see as important now will become meaningless in the end. The only thing that will matter is if you see the way out in time, before the end closes in on you. When the light becomes visible, you can’t be blinded or distracted by the damn puzzle pieces that never quite fit together.

So sitting here on the eve of another birthday. Wondering where I took a left instead of a right. And trying to decide on whether to fix this puzzle on the floor or scrap it and start all over again, or just find beauty in the abstract. I have to wonder if it’s too late. Maybe time has left me behind. Maybe the light is almost upon me. And all I have to do is open my eyes and see.

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It would be nice to connect to something, other than these words. It would be nice to feel something other than hollow. To love and frolic instead of stress and worry.

light-and-darkness

Time to blow out my candles, all 48 of them.

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About paulsdahlman

Born in Southern California, raised on the road and now growing roots in New England. I am on the journey of my lifetime. May the footprints I leave behind form the words to my story.
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One Response to Puzzle Pieces

  1. coastalmom says:

    I just read this and I am sorry to have missed it. I am surprised that there was not more response here! This was so well written and I certainly can relate to everything you mentioned! Every word really hit home. I am sure we have all been there at one time or another. Your writing is epic! I loved the pics you chose! I am a lover of the right picture with the write paragraph! Some of my posts get a little long and I think we all need pictures to help keep us focused! 😉
    Happy Birthday almost one month later. Let me tell you that you are not alone! You are also probably much younger than me because you talk about kids still being in school! You are in what I call the “Good Old Days!” I too have kind of lived my life waiting for the other proverbial shoe to fall and I am here to tell you that “every” single time of my life that I thought that I couldn’t get through is like a fond memory. Even the really bad stuff. Obviously, I survived and it may have hurt when I was going through it but time is a healer and though it sounds cliche’ once you are standing on the other side of it… things do begin to get a little clearer.
    When I am in the middle of depression… Everything seems so much BIGGER and overwhelming.
    Hang in there and may God bless this year with great new good old days!! 😉
    xoxo
    Di

    Like

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