Good news for every American! Next year every U.S. citizen, as well as every legal or non-legal resident will be driving a brand new car. That’s right! Great news right? The U.S. Government understands the need for everyone to drive. Even if no one else understands. Not only will it boost the economy but it will insure that the auto industry, the gas refineries, and the insurance companies will remain global powerhouses.
There are currently eleven million people without cars. We know that in recent surveys only about one-third of those people would buys a car if given the opportunity and the means. But that’s not really a concern of ours. We believe that the public is not capable of making their own decisions.
So how is this possible you might ask. Well in 2014 we are passing a law that states that everyone must buy a new car. If you do not by a new car by the deadline you will be fined 2,018 dollars every year until you buy one. If you can not afford a car, well tough. You are going to be forced to find a way to buy a product from a list of manufacturers that we give you. But don’t worry. The car companies wrote this bill for us so I am sure they have have your best interest in mind.
Now you don’t have to go out and buy a Cadillac. There will be an exchange set in place where every car company will bid for your business. You could buy a Kia, or a Ford or a Chevy. Of course the two largest companies that could really offer you a good car for the best price, Honda and Toyota are opting out of the exchange. But that’s okay. As long as it’s law we really don’t really care what you buy. And if you can afford a Cadillac, GREAT! but you are going to have to pay an addition tax on that car every year to help pay for the cars for those who are unemployed and unable to make the payments themselves.
If you are unemployed the government will lease you a car until you can purchase one yourself. You can just pay them back later. We know that 61 percent of Americans are against this law and we know that if we wait and take our time to construct this bill correctly the Republicans will take the House and stop the bill. So we are going to push it through in the middle of the night before anyone can object.
Now the car industry and the oil companies contributed a lot of money to this administration. So I promised them I would make them filthy rich and very powerful in return. And that’s just what I plan on doing.
Also, in order to keep cost down we are requiring every new car owner to buy their yearly gas use upfront. We will determine how much gas on average each of you will go through annually and reserve that fuel for you. Now if you don’t use up all the gas by the end of the year we will reimburse you for the unused portion. However if you do work close to home and do not travel a lot you will be charged a non-commuter fee. So don’t really plan on seeing any money returned to you.
Also for those of you who buy the cheapest cars on the market, the Smart cars, it will run you a little bit more for your gas and your insurance.
So come on, get excited! Your getting a new car! It really is the best thing for the country. You might not think so now but hopefully in the future you will. You also might not think it’s legal to force everyone in the country to buy a product from a privately owned company. But that’s also no concern to us. We are the New United States government. The constitution is just an old outdated piece of paper written by a bunch of old white guys. It’s about time we get rid of that anyway.
If this goes through without a revolution than we are going to sell you new living quarters the following year in exchange for your current residence. Somewhere nice with high fences and a good security system.
So get out and drive people. It’s a new day!