It’s been a while now since you’ve left this place. A thought of bitter taste. The reality of course is that you were never really here.
I know of the abuse and sorrow you endured as a child. Your father leaving when you were very young. Your mother’s anger for him which spilled over onto you. I know your step father tried to fill his shoes, he even gave you his last name. But he too would pack and leave. Not much sunlight for a child to grow within. I suppose the darkness felt more real. I wish you could have talked to me, I would have understood. Your silence only divided us and planted seeds of deep resentment. Your anger spilled over onto me, and kept the cycle turning.
I always felt I wasn’t part of the plan. Unwanted and ignored. I know that you were hurting, but we were all hurting too. At some point the chain must be broken so it’s no longer handed down.
If I could ask you just one question, I would ask you of your betrayal. Was it meant to be a test? I know you felt you were trying to teach me some kind of lesson. But the only lesson I learned was that trust is obsolete. I do forgive you finally after many, many years. I did after all, love you once.
I know you tried your best. We were always very close. We talked about everything. From the girls I like to my dreams and my ambitions. You comforted me when I was sick, and you listened to me when I spoke. I know you ended up in a life you never wanted. You were a trapped spirit who had no place to run. You wanted so much more from the life that you were given. But you were from a time when marriage and family is what women were suppose to want. Your husband held you back, your children held you back. You sat alone in your car at the end of the driveway afraid to come inside. Wanting so badly to turn and drive away. But you never did, you always found your way back home.
I wish I could have been there for you when things started to slip away. I will always feel guilty for that. I wish you would have reached out to me, my door was always open.
If I could ask you just one question, I would ask you when it was that you stopped loving me? When I moved away at 15 why did you let me go? Why did you never once call to see how I was doing? Was I nothing than a memory the second I walked out the door? There are just too many questions I would have liked to ask. Forgiveness for betrayal may be very hard to muster, but forgiveness for a broken heart is something even harder. I did love you mom, and I miss you.
I know you felt that life cheated you out of so very much. You were the oldest and the first to feel the heat of the fire. I did try very hard to be the best brother I could. You were my best friend for a long time. I looked up to you and admired you. And any mistakes you made I forgave you for. Blood ran thick between us. Who knew betrayal was a hereditary trait.
I would like to believe your still alive out there somewhere. That you finally found happiness and peace. But I know that if you were still among us, you would have found your way back to me. You knew I loved you. I told you all the time. Our conversations ran deep and were brutal in their honesty. I miss you every day.
I know we have not been close since the family fell apart. We’re now spread about from sea to shinning sea. Our time has come and gone. I always felt jealous of you when we were still at home. You had dad’s attention in a time when I had none. I realize now that things were not always as good for you as I thought. I wish that we were closer. I would give anything for that. Life gets pretty lonely, when your family’s gone away.
Dear Son O’Mine estranged.
I felt that letting you hate me was the best direction for you to go in. The truth is something you will probably never know. Your not the man of the blood you share, you’re the man you choose to be. Sometimes doing the right thing may not be so easy, but it’s still the right thing to do. May you someday learn of the roots under your feet. May someday you learn truth.
I would like to believe that we will all be together again someday. That we will get another chance to be a family, and not make the same mistakes again. But I know you only get one shot in life to get it right. There are no second chances. If you have faith in your own spirituality, then the tribulations of life will seem meaningless. You can’t fill your life with anger and distrust and still believe in a greater plan. Only a grand illusion.
I now look at my own family and wonder if I can keep the blood from becoming watered down and weak. This is my shot to get it right. I won’t be getting another. I better not blow it.